A Little Too Late
by TurnItUp03
Summary: M/M Slash. Could you love someone enough? Enough for them to love you the same way? Sometimes when you try so hard, it's not enough, and sometimes it's too late for them to realize it. WARNING: Character Death. ONE-SHOT
1. Chapter 1

**I wrote this a while ago, about half a year ago, and I was going to post it, but I forgot about it. I realized that I wrote it, so I began reviewing it for grammatical errors, but then I started changing everything about it, so I figured that instead of that, I'd leave it and I'd post it and see where this goes.**

**WARNINGS: A LEMON AND A CHARACTER DEATH**

**D: DISCLAIMED**

I could tell the world now, the whole world, especially her, but I won't. I can't hurt my sister that way. She deserves to be happy too right? I think.

So I'll just continue to sip until my glass is empty, watching from afar, thinking to myself on how much I screwed this up. How I ended up here, in this predicament where I'm watching the man I fell in love with… marry my sister because he's convinced that she's the Black he wants to marry.

I had to admit, the ceremony was exquisite, the vows were beautiful, and my sister Rachel was one lucky girl, in a weird sort of way. The way she smiled from ear to ear as we walked down the aisle, me escorting her to the man that we both loved. Rachel wanted dad to, but after them discussing without my knowledge, fate decided to punish me with this addition to the heartbreak. But we walked slowly… Rachel's view on the man standing at the end with his hands joined in front of him, watching us both walk down the aisle. That's when I felt like he was waiting for me, that I pretended he was waiting for me, and I hoped that somehow, in some way, in another realm, this reality could for once be in my favor, and Paul would take my hand… but that's far from reality.

It began in high school, my third year when I finally began to realize that I wasn't interested in the female population of La Push High, that there seemed to be only one person, one man that I was attracted to. I hated myself for it at first, always regretful when I'd steal a look, or fantasize him coming to my house to see me, to take me out, to tell me that he has wanted me from the moment he saw me. But once again, that was wishful thinking.

As my sister was completing her last year, Paul should have been. But his reputation always got the best of him, and too many suspensions from getting in fights and just being a plain hot head left him to repeat a year. So he was held back as my twin sisters were graduating. That year, his last year when we returned, I probably ended up as the most confused teen ever.

The meets were subtle, flirting gestures almost gone unnoticed when I decided to join the football team this year. That was when I got the chance to know Paul Lahote, my first crush. What began as football practice, turned out to be more hangout sessions with me, Quil, Embry, and Seth; then soon developing into just us. Most consisted of outside recreational activities, cliff diving and surfing, which I was terrible at. But any chance to be close to him became my opportunities to try and inch my way closer into his heart.

Call me crazy, but I couldn't help but to be near him, he was like a drug to me, still is. In the process of our friendship, the one night I would never forget made me believe that just maybe I had the chance.

**FLASHBACK**

One of our many hangout sessions, us gaming out and talking about just anything and almost everything. Then he'd begin to talk about the chicks he laid, and the one's he wanted to. I was always jealous of all of them, and I think he knew whenever I would void even telling him my interests. I was in fact still trying to figure out just who I was, I mean, there are a couple girls that I had thought were beautiful, but it would only go so far if they wanted a relationship because none of them amounted to Paul. None of them would.

Kicking back, and actually alone with him once again, I would notice him giving me the odd look here and there. I tried to ignore it, and he tried covering it up by looking back at the TV screen. I could feel his gazes burrow into me, like they were burning my skin with his curiosity. I was beginning to panic, conjuring thoughts of him ready to ask me something uncomfortable.

Just to relieve the tension in the room, I offered a drink and walked into the kitchen. Thoughts of how I was becoming more attracted to him plagued me; I wanted to get rid of them before I did set myself up for heartbreak. That was until I felt arms wrap around my waist, a breath over my neck, and a heated body tower behind me. As I turned to look, his lips met mine. He slowly turned me to hold my face in his palms as he deepened the kiss. By now I was sure that I was hallucinating this all. Like my imagination finally won me over and came up with the most realistic fantasy.

His hands slid down my sides and placed on my hips, lifting me on the counter as he moaned in pleasure, panting as he rushed to lift my shirt up to feel my skin. His hands felt like heaven to me, calloused and manly with every touch. Just as he pulled away, I whimpered, until he stared deeply into my eyes like he was looking for my soul. He then pulled me closer and wrapped my legs around his waist and lifted me of the counter, holding onto me with my ass cupped in his hands. I wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed him again. We staggered across the room and into my bedroom where he laid me on my bed, placing his body on top of me as he groped his hands up and down my sides.

As he sat up to pull of his shirt, I sat up to pull off mine. As soon as my shirt hit the floor, he was already laying me back down, grinding his clothed erection against mine, and placing butterfly kisses all over my face and neck. I couldn't help but to let my hands wander to his butt, to pull him closer and closer as much as possible.

I didn't know how to react as he began unbuttoning my jeans, like he couldn't wait to get me naked. I knew I wanted to see him, all of him, but I wasn't sure if he'd be satisfied with what I had to offer. I was never self-conscious about my body, I knew I was somewhat attractive, but with Paul, it was entirely different. I wanted to be absolutely perfect for him, and I didn't want him to end up disappointed and get up and leave. I was afraid to even think of it, especially being this close to him.

"Beautiful." Though it was low enough for me to hardly hear it, I couldn't help but to feel content that he was calling me beautiful.

I looked down to see him admire me as my erection practically sprang forward as my boxers released it. His hand felt warm when he wrapped it around my shaft and began to slowly stroke my member, rubbing his thumb on the slit earning him a moan of ecstasy. I bit my bottom lip as he engulfed my dick in his mouth, taking in inch by throbbing inch. My body tensed, my hands gripped the sheets, my back arched, and my toes curled while he continued to bob his head up and down. His mouth felt so warm, his touch felt so gentle, and his cries to take me in deeper made me feel on cloud nine.

It felt like I was ready to explode, like my body was already preparing to finish off my moment of bliss. That was until he pulled away, omitting me from being able to release my aching erection. I cried out to be touched again, but he refused as he began unbuttoning his pants and pulling them off.

"I want us to come together baby." He licked his lips, removing his boxer-briefs, and pulling the small tube of lube and a condom from his jean pockets.

The first thing that came to mind was me wondering if he had planned this all along, that maybe he was waiting for this to happen, for me to succumb to his charm and hand him over my virginity. I should have been upset, but I couldn't care less. I didn't want to at the moment. I didn't want to give up a fantasy that was becoming a reality. I was too selfish to give a damn.

Every time I tried to release the aching from my member, he would slap my hand away and smirk, like he wanted the privileges of helping me reach a climax. I watched him carefully as he began slipping the condom over his huge erection and inching closer between my legs.

He spilled a generous amount of lube on his hands, covering every inch of his dick. I knew that he couldn't just go in, and I wasn't sure if he knew to prepare me first. It was difficult to hold back, I wanted all of him, but I didn't want my first time to hurt just because we were both careless to do it properly. Thankfully he knew what he was doing when he slathered his fingers with the liquid substance and pulling me closer and inserted the first finger.

It was painful at first, I'll admit that, but I didn't want him to stop. His finger glided in and out, and my face scrounged with every entry. I kept thinking that maybe I wouldn't be able to handle it when he would begin to thrust his sex inside of me. Deep in thoughts, he inserted the second, stretching me even more. I tried my best to think of this as pleasure, but I couldn't change my expressions from pain to pleasure.

"It gets better baby." He assured, sliding a third digit in me.

I nodded, biting my lip while he held the other hand on my hip. He was correct when it started to feel better, and that's when he removed his fingers and began slather more lube on his hard member. I began panting more as he aligned himself against my entrance. My breath hitched as he began to slowly push the head in. My attempt to pull back was halted with his hands holding me in place. With every bit of him slowly entering me, I winced by the invasion.

By the time he was inside of me fully, he waited for the okay to move. I lay still to adjust, looking up at him with his saddened expressions.

"I'm fine." I whimpered. "Just give me a minute."

Just as I was sure I was ready, I gave him the confirmation to move with a nod. He slowly lifted my legs over his shoulders and leaned forward to place a kiss on my lips as he began to rock his body with mine. I hadn't felt so in sync with someone in my life, and I was glad that it was Paul.

What began at a slow pace, it began to pick up. With one of my legs now on his side, he returned to stroking my erection while still motioning in and out of me. I cursed with moans of pleasure with he every touch. What was pain was now pleasure as he continued to hit my prostate, the sweet spot that had me craving for more, for him to even go deeper and deeper. Looking up at his handsome face, sweat trickled down his coppery tone; his brows furrowed together, his eyes opened to see me moan in pleasure under him. He cursed every word that could come out of his mouth as he lowered himself to kiss me again and nibble on my neck.

My hands slid across his sweaty back and down to his round globes. With every touch of affection, he continued to stroke my sex faster and faster before I shot back and shot my load across both of our chests. He didn't stop as my body tensed and tightened around him, earning me a loud moan from him. Just when I didn't think I could handle any more of it, his thrusts had become more aggressive and our cries out for pleasure had become louder and louder.

He reached the hilt of pleasure when I came down from mine. His body went stiff in pleasure while his thrusts began dying down. I could feel the heat of him inside me, as if he was dousing the pleasure that coursed throughout us with one last ounce of pleasure. I hadn't felt this… satisfied in my entire life.

He remained on top of me and inside me for a while after that. I didn't want any of this to end, and I didn't think he did either. I expected him to come down from his high and realize that it was a mistake and leave as soon as he could get his pants on, but he didn't. He pulled out of me and pulled me closer to hold me close to him without either of speaking another word. I was gratified to feel his strong arms wrap around me as we both drifted off in a peaceful sleep.

**END OF FLASHBACK**

"Can I have your attention?" Jared Cameron, Paul's best friend and best man clinked the side of his champagne glass to gain everyone's attention. "When Paul asked me to be his best man, I never in my life thought that he'd even settle down. But now I can see him and Rachel are happy together and I wish them the best in the future." Everyone applauded but me.

This was the moment of the wedding where everyone made their toasts to the newlyweds. Jared's continued on the sappy friendship they have and how he wishes my sister luck in handling Paul. Dad's was the usual, him stating how hard it was for him to believe that his daughter grew up to a beautiful woman, and how shocked he was to find out that she was marrying Paul. Also adding a small threat that even if he was in a wheelchair, he still knew how to load a gun. Rebecca seemed to be the most proud of our sister, she couldn't stop mumbling about how they both would dream about meeting the perfect guy and settling down and starting a family.

Then there was Sam and Emily's speech, Paul's drunken dad, and Leah's threats to Paul if he had ever broke her best friends heart. I was sickened with the happiness of the occasion, and I think the only person that had noticed was Paul. I hadn't spoken to him since I came back, and I refused to. But that didn't stop him from looking my way, and annoyingly encouraging my sister to ask me to dance with her to some slow sappy love song.

As I was ready to leave back to my dad's and pack my clothes to leave back to Seattle first thing in the morning, Paul happened to follow me out into the parking lot of Forks Community hall where the reception was held.

"Jake, wait!" I stopped in my tracks, stopping from unlocking the door to my yellow Dodge Charger. "You're leaving?"

"I have a long drive ahead of me tomorrow." I turned to see him in his tux still.

"You're not going to stay for the dance?"

"No, the station needs me tomorrow night," I answered honestly. "I was only take enough time off for the reception, I should've actually left a couple hours ago."

"When are we going to see you again?"

"Does it matter?"

"Of course it does." He seemed reluctant to even say that.

"Why do you insist on a friendship Paul? You're with my sister now, you made your choice so I'm making mine." I tried not to sound clingy.

"Just because what happened in the past doesn't mean it should change the friendship we had."

"It does Paul." I exclaimed. "I did the stupid thing by falling in love with you, and the crazy thing about it too, I thought you loved me too. I was ready to change my life for you, to tell everyone that I wanted to be with you. But you leaving that morning sent me mixed feelings. Not only had you avoided me for the next couple months after that, but you made it clear to me that what we had was a mistake."

"…"

"I'm not going to stick around just to loathe and whither in pain as I watch you have your happily ever after with my sister, it's too much to handle." I argued. "I'm selfish because I don't want a friendship with you, I want more, but it's not going to happen."

"But… so… that's it? I'm your brother-in-law and we can't even talk."

"Yes, that's exactly it." I deadpanned. "I never did want you to be my brother-in-law, and I never will. So live on with your life, be happy or whatever you want to call it with Rachel, have a few kids, but just don't expect me to feel sorry for you and run to your side if and when shit hits the fan."

I didn't want to say anymore, I was already screwing up with my words and I couldn't seem to form a proper sentence without making me sound like an idiot. I was admitting too much to him as it is, I didn't want him to know that I was hurting so much from this. But the truth was, I am.

I could cry and whine all I want that I should've stopped the wedding, but I didn't and couldn't. If Rachel was happy, she would never know about Paul and my past, and she would hopefully find her sanctuary in being Paul's wife. Besides, she would hate me for the rest of our lives if she ever found out about us.

The three years that had passed, and me still working at the radio station as a DJ, I found out that my sister was going into labor with her and Paul's first child. I was happy for her, but still in remorse over the idea that this somewhat sealed the deal. Sure I still hoped that maybe one day Paul would realize that we were meant to be, but the day that Rachel called me to tell me she was two months pregnant, I sunk deeper and deeper into my shell. Of course I congratulated her, but I don't really think I meant it.

They had a son, naming him after Paul and my dad. So PJ William Lahote was welcomed to the world on a Saturday morning. I did want to meet my nephew, but in a way, I was afraid to. I always pictured of having a happy life, spoiling my nephews and nieces that my sisters would bless us with. I knew now that I wouldn't have kids because I was so sure that I would have at least found a boyfriend.

The fact that I have dated still wasn't as satisfying as my first time. Sure I slept with a couple guys, and even made one attempt to bed a woman, but found myself leaving like a puppy with my tail between my legs. I didn't want anything to do with opposite sex.

But the time came where I had to go home to meet my nephew, but I didn't think I could hack it alone. So I asked my best friend Bella to accompany me. She knew I'm gay, but my dad and the rest of the family besides Paul didn't. So I asked Bella to act as my girlfriend, a beard if you say so, just so my dad wouldn't begin to question why I hadn't settled down.

I was able to get through the uncomfortable visit with Bella faithfully staying by my side. I was glad that she stood by me, her knowing about Paul and my past because of one night I had a few too many drinks. Throughout the three days, dad kept bugging Bella and me that he could hear wedding bells, and my sisters asking Bella twenty million questions on how we met, and how many kids we plan to have.

I was glad she was able to make something up.

Being there though had dug up some old memories, most of which I couldn't forget. But when your heart is set on someone you're madly in love with, and seeing them again opens up some old wounds. I had hoped that seeing Paul could at least help me move on, but it didn't. I felt obsessed, and I hated it with a passion. It even bothered me to see him and Rachel display affection for one another. So I was glad that we left as soon as we could.

Bella and I were able to hold onto that alibi for about a year until she had met Edward Cullen, which meant I had to find a way to tell my dad and my sisters that we had broken up. I didn't hold Bella back though; I encouraged her to go for it when Edward insisted on taking her out. Even though dad and the twins were upset over it, they were glad that I was able to apparently move on when I agreed to be a part of their wedding six months after.

It felt as if I was stuck in a rut, and I couldn't get out. Every one of my friends were finding their other halves, and I was stuck as the single one in the group. Bella with Edward, Alice married her high school sweetheart Jasper Hale. His twin sister was engaged to my friend Emmett McCarty. Heck, I even heard from Leah that Seth was planning to propose to his girlfriend for a year, Renesmee Swan, Bella's younger cousin that had lived with her throughout high school.

It was just me now. And to make matters worse, Rachel called me again to tell me she was expecting her second child now. I tried to be supportive for her, but I found myself pulling further away from my family because I couldn't seem to convince my heart that there was someone else out there for me.

By the time my niece was born, that was pretty much the last of the few times I called home. I new I had to move further away, to get a new start, and thankfully the radio station was moving me to work in their Los Angeles radio branch. So I was quick to jump on the opportunity.

I did feel guilty for not making the trip home to meet my niece, and by now, she had just turned two. The times that any of my family had tried to contact me, I'd either avoid the call or act as if I was busy at the moment. My excuses were upsetting most of them too, Rachel and Rebecca were pissed with me that I hadn't made the efforts to meet my nieces, another from Rebecca. But I couldn't find it in myself to return home. I wasn't sure of when or if I would ever go back to La Push.

Living in LA for two years, I found myself stuck in the same situation as in Seattle. I was alone once again, and searching for some sort of purpose other than my job. It was then thought that I decided that after five years of being away from home, maybe it was time to go home, even if it would be another pain fest. I knew I needed the comfort of my dad, and I knew there was a secret that I held onto for the twenty-five years of life that I needed to tell him.

A part of me felt that once I told him that I'm gay, whether or not he'd approve, it would lift a weight off my shoulder, and maybe I wouldn't be so afraid of finding someone that I could possibly spend the rest of my life. I kept thinking that maybe this was the step I needed to take to get over Paul, and that this could help open some new routes for me to take. I kept hoping.

Going home, ending up in front the house I grew up in, I found myself standing in the same spot, debating whether I should knock or just walk in. I hadn't told anyone that I was coming back, or even if I would stay permanently. I just knew that I needed some family time, even if they were most likely upset with me. I kept thinking if this was a good idea or not.

So I knocked.

I wanted to believe this would be a simple trip, my family would be so accepting, I wouldn't have to face Paul and the rest of the guys. It would literally be like a bombshell dropped on all of them. Pondering with my thoughts, I was disturbed by my shocked father who stared at me with his bulging eyes.

"Jake?" He whimpered, becoming watery eyed. "Is- is that- is it really you?"

"Hey dad." I muttered, then reaching down to hug the old man.

Tears continued to fall, him saying that he thought I would never come home. Nothing had really changed since I left, and I hadn't expected it too. It hadn't taken that long for us to catch up, and him telling me that Rebecca should be by soon to check up on him, of course readying myself for the worse of Becca's infuriation's. I found out that Rachel and Paul were no longer together, that they were in the process of a divorce. Even though I didn't want to know what happened, dad told me that Paul was hardly ever home anymore and Rachel didn't want to be stuck in a relationship where she felt neglected.

"Dad, before we go any further into this reunion, there's something I need to tell you." I said in a shaky tone.

"What is it son?" He seemed to panic.

"It's nothing bad, well at least I don't think it's bad, but you might think it's bad, but I'm not sure to tell you the truth."

"Son? You're rambling," he chuckled, "spit it out."

"Fine," I mumbled. "I'm hoping… I hope, you want hate me after this."

"I could never hate you son, it can't be that bad."

"Well…" I know I was stalling, but how do you tell your dad that his only son is gay, the one he hoped would continue his legacy? "I'm…. I'm gay dad."

The three words seemed to send him in shock. He stared at me motionless in his chair. Not a word spoken, and it began to worry me. "Dad?" Still no word. "Fine, I'll go, I just thought you should know."

"No, wait son." He wheeled his chair to me, "I'm sorry, I just… that's… it's a lot of information for me to take in."

"So… does it upset you?"

"I'm surprised… but I don't think I'm mad." He gave an expressionless look. "I sure as hell didn't expect it."

"Does this change anything between us dad?"

"A little." He finally smiled, "now I know not to be pushing these girls on you."

Thankfully, the topic wasn't discussed any further. Dad told me he still considered me as his son no matter who I like, and he'll always be there for me when I needed him. His greater concern was to why I rarely come home, but I wasn't ready to say why, he'd think I was selfish for it. But using my career as a crutch for never being able to get time off, he understood.

Not long after that, Rebecca came barging in with groceries in one hand and an adorable little girl hoisted in her other arm. A total replica of Rebecca, so I knew it was my niece fast asleep on her mothers shoulder. But that didn't last long when she saw me. She shrieked, waking the poor little girl, racing to me to hug me and swearing that she would never let me go. It didn't take long for her to give me a lecture about forgetting about family and not taking the time to meet my nieces as well as getting to know PJ more. And it didn't take long for her to call Rachel over to bring the kids, she insisted on a reunion dinner with the four of the kids and us.

After asking me how long I was staying, I told her I was heading back tomorrow. Of course she gave me shit about that too, and making me promise I'd visit more often. But before I could say anything, dad told me to give my explanation for being here as soon as Rachel arrived. It was the same episode with them, nerve wrecking and unnecessarily uncomfortable. But once I spit out the information, for some reason they were more excited about it then dad. It didn't take them long for them to adjust to my… lifestyle, insisting I talk about boys with them, something I would never feel comfortable doing.

Finally settling in, and seeing just how adorable my nieces and nephew were, we called it a night. Once breakfast was finished, I told my dad that I would be back as soon as I could, even giving him hope that I just might move closer to home.

I did though. LA just seemed to crazy for me, and I figured going back to Seattle would be just the thing I needed in my life. Keeping my promise to call home more often, I even called Rachel more often. The talks were brief, but I still kept my promise. It was then she was telling me about her divorce, and how it was pretty much final and she'd be a single woman in about a week.

I hadn't brought Paul to my concerns, even though I still thought the same of him, I wanted nothing to do with him, and I hadn't seen him since the wedding. Who's to say that he's still the man I fell in love with. I figured after coming out to my family, it would be easier for me to meet someone, and maybe one day bring him home to meet them, but none of them claimed my interest. And sadly, none of them were Paul.

Today was the day I was going home to visit dad, and I would be letting him know that I was starting my own radio station in Port Angeles once I sorted out the papers as well as some copyright issues that I might come across. I knew he'd be happy to know that I was moving a little closer to home, and that would give me the chance to get back to my roots.

I had to say that I was actually excited to be heading back, to tell my dad that I was moving closer since he's become ill. I wanted to be there for him, to reacquaint myself with my old self. If Paul were a part of that life, if he stood near for his kids, I'd have to accept that, and nothing further. At least I keep telling myself that.

To my dismay, the weather wasn't really in my favor. The highways were filled with wet snow, the road seemed slick with a layer of black ice. I knew then I probably should have pulled over, but I was yet determined to get to my new place, in my bed and well rested.

It became hard to see as the wet snow pelted against the windshield, the wipers couldn't seem to keep up, and the headlights did nothing to help me. Just as I pulled the wheel to the side to avoid the parked semi-truck in front of me.

It was too late.

**A/N: I'm not exactly sure what to expect from your guys' opinions, I'm hoping they're good. I hadn't planned there to be a lemon, but I had planned for the ending. I wanted to step out of my boundary lines as a writer because I haven't been brave enough to try out a character death. I know the ending doesn't exactly explain that Jacob is gone; I wanted to leave that up to you. But I will say that I have began writing how Paul will react to the news, it's just I'm not sure if I'll post it. **

**Updates for 'Pack Of Submissives' & 'Cursed' will be up by the end of the week, or before. I hope this will be enough until then seeing how I hadn't updated my other fics in almost a month. So, if you feel like reviewing, please do.**

**Much Love,**

**TurnItUp03**

**P.S If I ever do decide to update, and you're interested, you might want to set this one on alert.  
**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: I've been going through a lot of different emotions right now, and I think that is the reason I was able to deliver this update. I will remind you that this is going out of the boundaries I have set as a writer, so if you're not into CHARACTER DEATHS, please dismiss this.**

**D: Disclaimed**

* * *

~Paul~

* * *

They said he felt no pain. It happened instantly. He was gone before he was crushed. What sort of comfort does that give me though? He's gone. So young and he's gone. And I've never had the chance to apologize because I thought I had all of the time in the world, I thought he'd be here forever.

Billy looks crushed, Rachel is so shattered that she's come to me for solace, and she hasn't spoken to me since the divorce. Rebecca closed everyone out; she's a standing shell. Me, I'm fucking lost. The last thing I want to do is fall apart in front of everyone; no one knew that I was madly in love with the one person I could never tell. I was way too afraid to admit it.

I was a coward. I am a coward.

They say the ones who leave this earth way too soon, change the world before someone old and wise could. That's exactly what Jacob has done. Every person who attended the wake had nothing but positive memories to share. Though he hasn't lived here for years, people were still thankful for the generous donations he made for the school here, to the daycare center, to the elders, to… everyone. I had no knowledge of this. But apparently he would send whatever he could.

Not once had he asked for acknowledgments because that's just not who Jacob was. He was a lost soul, and I could see him fall deeper every time he came home. I could shed tears nonstop with the many times I avoided him. I kept thinking that maybe just one hug would give him assurance that I still cared for him. But would he have appreciated that?

I tried my best to be a good husband, I was sure that Rachel was the one. I wanted her to be the one. And I had myself convinced once she announced that we were expecting PJ, I thought I was happy and I really thought this is what I wanted. I seem to have lost it once little Sarah was born. What should have been joy was sorrow and realizations that I most likely would never have a chance with Jacob.

I cried at nights, drowning my tears in alcohol, becoming detached from everyone in my life. When I would hear Rachel's many frustrations over her brother, about him moving further and further away each year, I knew it was because of me. I left him in the cold, I broke him and I'm not proud of it.

When Rachel asked for a divorce, I hadn't argued. I wanted to care, but I didn't. I felt trapped here, and there were so many times that I wanted to pack my stuff and just up and leave to look for Jacob, to beg for his forgiveness. But I could never build up the courage.

I envied Jacob when he came home a couple months ago. He came out to his dad and his sisters. He told them something I could never tell anyone.

And now, we're standing here as they lower the casket into the ground. Everyone cried, even me. Today we were saying our final goodbye, and I wasn't sure if I was ready. I was tired of holding the tears in, so I let the tears flow. I hadn't realized that both Rachel and Rebecca were now holding me. I felt so helpless, so lost.

As everyone cleared the cemetery to head back to the Black residence for his or her last goodbyes, I stayed here. I couldn't bring myself to leave. I just couldn't, I already walked away from him so many times, and I just couldn't do it anymore.

I fell to my knees in tears, my fingers tracing over the engraved name on the tombstone that had read Jacob Black. None of it seemed real, like I was waiting for someone to tell me that it was all one big mistake, that Jacob was still in Seattle. That he should be on his way in a couple days. Not this. Anything but this.

"I'm sorry." I sobbed, not sure if he'd hear me. "I'm sorry for ever hurting you."

I was crazy to expect a reply. To hope that he would suddenly appear in front of me and say that he forgave me. But I was still alone as the snow fell so peacefully.

"There's things I should've said before," I cried, "there's things I wish I could've said, but I was too afraid, and you knew that." I chuckled and wiped the tears from my cheek, "of course you knew, and yet I left you out of the picture. But… Jake, wherever you are, I hope you can find it your soul to forgive me. I loved you, I do love you. But I could never tell you, and now I'm regretting every bit of it."

"I remember the first time we actually spoke." I smiled recalling the memory, "did you know that I was afraid to talk to you? I was afraid that you might think that I was some sort of creeper, and that you might have found me weird for wanting to talk to you. I've never felt that way before with anyone, not even with Rachel. But there you were, in the kitchen making your dad breakfast, and arguing with Rachel about it being her turn." I smiled once again. "I remember that beautiful smile you gave me, and that gave me hope, that gave me the courage I needed to finally talk to you a couple weeks later." Then I wiped another tear from my cheek. "You made my last year of school an unforgettable one Jake, you showed me so much, and you became the friend I felt I never deserved. You were my first." I clasped my hands and tried to smile, "I've never told you that. I wanted you to believe me that I was a player, that I could have anyone I wanted, but the truth was that I only wanted you. That night, I will never forget. Ever."

"I don't know if you can hear me Jake," I sighed, "but if you can, I want you to know if I could do it all over again, I'd be there when you needed me, I'd love you like you wanted me to."

"Why hadn't you said anything before?" I turned to find Billy and Rachel standing there.

Rachel looked hurt, and I now I felt guilt impale on me. "Wait! Rachel, I'm sorry."

"For what?" She was expressionless. "For loving my brother before me?"

I couldn't look at her; I couldn't even look at Billy. I just broke their family up even more than I already had. She walked away, and most likely hating my guts, but Billy stayed in his spot, staring down at his son's grave.

"You know what the hardest thing about this is?" He finally spoke, I looked up and shook my head, "today I buried my son, and no one should ever have to do that. No parent should ever have to go through this."

"I'm sorry Billy." I muttered.

"Not as sorry as I am." He spoke clearly. "So why hadn't you told Jacob anything? Why wait till now?"

"Because I was afraid to." I admitted. "I was never was as strong as he was. I always thought being with Rachel is what I really wanted, and at the time it was. I never wanted him to be hurt, I wanted him to find someone so much better for him than me. I tried my best to be a great husband for Rachel, I tried my best to get over Jacob, but the more I tried, I dug myself deeper in the hole."

"So you could've been my son-in-law either way." He chuckled, something I would've never expected. "I'm grateful that you and Rachel blessed me with my grandchildren, but I'm not too happy that Jacob had to hurt over it." He was now crying. "You know when Jacob came to me that day and told me he was gay, it was all coming together; why he was avoiding you, and why you always asked about him. I knew that he was in love with you, and I was planning to tell him to talk to you so he could move on. I didn't know that he was moving home though, and something tells me that he was coming to fix things between you two, something told me that he was going to be okay after all of this. But I guess fate had something else planned for him."

"I'm sorry Billy. I've ruined everything."

"Not entirely." He murmured, "You still have to live for him Paul. Jacob, as stubborn as he was, wouldn't want you to live on just to die. Promise you'll live for his memory, promise me that you will tell your kids just how special their uncle was, promise me that you'll be there for Rebecca and Rachel when I go, just how Jacob would. We all knew he was a strong man, you have to remember the best times, you have to remember everything Jacob accomplished and everything he stood for. Let's celebrate his life, not just grieve his death."

"But it hurts."

"Don't I know," he sighed, "but now I choose to believe he's with my Sarah. I can only hope that she's taking care of him, I can only hope that he'll be waiting for me when it's my time to go."

"Do you think…" I just couldn't say.

"That he'll wait for you?" He gave me smile, "I'm sure of it. Jacob, may be impatient, but something tells me that he will be waiting." He paused, "do you believe in reincarnation?"

"Not really." I admitted.

"Well, if you can hope for it, and if you find him again in another life, promise that you wont make him wait again." He was now sitting next to me rubbing my shoulder. "Love him first."

I nodded. The tears fell down my cheek as we sat in silence. I almost felt as if I didn't deserve to cry over him, but I couldn't help it. When Rebecca came back for her father, she gave me a hug and told me to take care, something I wouldn't have never expected.

"Today I say goodbye," I sobbed, "for now. I know I will see you again, and for the love of god, I hope you're waiting for me at the gates of heaven."

It was then I was left alone when all of the vehicles had left. In front of me was the fresh soil that had covered my best friend and the person who meant the world to me.

"I don't know really what to say Jake," I sniffled and wiped the tears that continued to fall, "I know I have to leave here and move on with my life, but… I don't know how too. A part of me is afraid that once I leave this cemetery, we might forget each other, that you might just forget me."

Once again I was waiting for some response, but I was left with just the memories I was afraid I just might forget. I didn't want to forget. As I stood, the air blew with the snow melting as soon as it touched my face. But the one thing that caught my attention was the cool breeze that reached my nostrils; it was mixed with the sweet, yet tasteful scent that reminded me of Jake. It was almost as if he was standing next to me, giving me hope that just maybe he was watching over me like I had hoped.

I left with a smile that day. And I kept my promise to Billy when I said I would live for Jake's memory, reminding PJ and Sarah about the uncle that they barely remembered. It touched my heart when PJ told me that he had kept the teddy bear that he remembered that Jake brought him on one of his trips home. Though they barely remember him, they still cherish the memories we all have of him.

When PJ graduated, I caught the same scent and felt the warmth inside of me as I watched my son accept his diploma. It really did feel like Jake was there with us, smiling ear to ear as he was most likely watching his nephew make us all proud. Even though Rachel and I hardly talked after the divorce, we kept it civil for the kids. She remarried, but I hadn't. I never found the right person again.

Billy died in his sleep when we found out that Sarah was pregnant. Becoming a grandfather had to be another highlight of my life, and imagine the surprise I had when I found out she was naming her first son Jacob William Black.

I was seventy-two when the news was delivered that Rachel had lost her battle cancer. I was all that was left for the kids and the grandkids. I was beginning to really feel the loss of everyone once I began to realize I was one of the last few alive out of our friends.

When PJ and his wife finally had their first child, I was able to meet the grandchild before I was ready to leave myself. I wasn't sure what it was, or what it all meant, just that I knew I was close to the last of my days.

I lay in bed alone, reminiscing on my younger days, reliving every memory just like they were fresh from the day they were conceived. I stared blankly at the ceiling in the dark, finding myself smiling once again. It has been years since I remembered that I was able to smile this big. It was the day that Jake held onto me like his life depended on it, and I couldn't help but be satisfied that I was the reason for it. It was like butterflies running through me once again, like I was defying gravity.

As I closed my eyes, I felt the warm touch of someone's hand hold onto mine with that beautiful sweet smell that I had grown fond of. It was then I knew that I was ready to move on knowing that I had kept my promise.

That I had lived for the memories of Jacob Ephraim Black.


End file.
